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Fortrose Man Implicated in Tourist Tidal Terror

FORTROSE -- Donald MacDonald, 51, of Deans Road, has been named as an agent in a near-tragedy on Rosemarkie Beach.

"It was an experience that changed the game of our first visit to England," said Skwynnt Bollix, 26, a tourist from Helsinki and heir to Jäätyminen Kuoliaaksi Oy, Finland's 4th-largest importer of organic ice cubes. After being reminded that he was in Scotland, Bollix continued. "We were seeking informations on walking to the beach of Eathie so we appealed to a Facebook group. We understand that this is how most locals get their facts." Having been assured by group member, @TheWeeChancer, later revealed to be MacDonald, that leaving immediately would be best, the couple did so. That's when they ran into trouble.

"As we walked," said Sanna Canth, 21, also of Helsinki, a foot model and influencer, "I noticed that the beach was shrinking or the water was growing, I do not know which."

Frustrated by Google Maps' failure to indicate the phenomenon, the couple took to frantic searches of recent Snap requests and the r/FinnishFootBeauty subreddit before finally being forced to take refuge in one of Rosemarkie's many coastal caves.

"At first, we were happy," explained Bollix. "I pretended to be Lemminkäinen and Sanna was the moose but then we remembered that after killing the moose he was stabbed to death, torn into pieces and sewn back together by his mother using magic honey and then we were sad because we did not have honey."

Minutes later, the couple began to get hungry and their flights of fantasy crashed back into the reality of a struggle for survival. "The host of our AirBnB [Iris Massie of Station Crescent] assured us that a bowl of porridge would set us up for the day but this was not true," said Bollix. "We were most practical, however, to stop at the Co-Op after breakfast, where the vendor assured us that the eggs of Scotland are typical local food for a journey such as ours." "But these eggs of Scotland are very different to our Finnish eggs," continued Canth, "which are white and somewhat slippery. These eggs of Scotland were brown and grainy, almost like meat. They proved to be too dry even for our carbon-negative, solar-powered water generator to provide enough moisture to allow us to swallow. Please follow my Instagram @jalkagrrl to witness my sympathy for the hens of Scotland for the pain they must endure to produce these eggs x."

As their hopes for salvation dwindled, a lone kayaker passed just 10 yards from the cave. "We thought we would be rescued," said Bollix, "but even though I had three bars, the kayaker must not own an Ericsson, otherwise he surely would have responded to our TikTok for help."

Finally, after failing to secure an Uber that would pick them up at the cave's mouth, the couple began preparing for the worst by making plans to inform their online followers of their impending demise. It was then that they noticed that the beach was once again becoming visible and their ordeal had come to an end.

Back in the safety of the Rosemarkie Beach Cafe, Bollix reflected on their near-death experience. "Our shoes got wet and at one point Sanna's battery was down to 14%. We understand now the feeling of the explorer, who sacrifices all personal safety to bring strange and important discoveries to the world."

In a Zoom interview, MacDonald responded to questions about the dangerous advice he gave the couple. "Och, I must have got my high tides and my low tides mixed up, like," he said, tapping the side of his nose with a finger in an apparent local gesture of apology. No charges have been filed.

Back in Helsinki, the couple have finally managed to settle back into their day-to-day routine. At presstime, they had just posted a one-star review on AirBnB, citing "inaccurate breakfast advice, confusion over the meaning of separate hot and cold water taps and neglecting to warn us of dangerous coastal walks in England."

This article contains additional reporting by Jess Anderson

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04 сент. 2022 г.

Dark Kenneth predicted this tragedy way back in the 1600s.

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